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Just lately a meditation pupil who’s solely simply begun working towards wrote to say that she’d skilled a bereavement. She questioned if I had any strategies to assist her by the grieving course of.
I’ve to say initially that I’m not a grief counsellor. I’m only a meditator who has ended up sharing what he’s realized about working with ache. And I additionally wish to add that I’m hesitant to present recommendation in such conditions as a result of I understand how feeble phrases could be within the face of highly effective feelings. I way back gave up on the notion I as soon as held that there’s some magical type of phrases that may make all the things higher.
Regardless of that, although, I do know that generally once we share our views with others (or after they do that with us) it may be useful. So right here’s an edited model of what I wrote to her.
Grief can after all be very painful. I feel the primary factor I’d emphasize is that the ache of loss may be very pure, and to be accepted. It’s widespread to assume that there’s one thing improper once we really feel ache, however when our life has been deeply entangled with that of one other being, the 2 of us are a part of one emotional system — a sort of shared love that flows between us. In that sort of a relationship we’re not, on an emotional degree, two fully separate beings. And so once we lose the opposite, it seems like part of us has been ripped out. It feels that approach as a result of that’s precisely what’s occurred.
So take a breath, and say, “It’s OK to really feel this.” It truly is.
Even those that are enlightened really feel grief.
Simply as one would put out a burning refuge with water, so does the enlightened one — discerning, skillful, and clever — blow away any arisen grief, his personal lamentation, longing, and sorrow, just like the wind, a little bit of cotton fluff.
The Sutta Nipata
After we assume there’s one thing improper about feeling grief, then we add a second layer of struggling, which is commonly way more painful than the primary. This second layer of ache comes from telling ourselves how horrible the expertise is that we’re having, the way it shouldn’t have occurred, and many others. Settle for that it’s OK to really feel the preliminary ache of grief, and also you’re much less possible so as to add that second layer.
Grief is an expression of affection. Grief is how love feels when the thing of our love has been taken away. And that’s price taking into account. Attempt being conscious of the grief and seeing it as precious, as a result of it’s love. With out love, there could be no grief. However with out grief, there could be no love. So we’ve to see grief as being a part of the bundle, so to talk.
You’ll be able to deal with the ache as an object of mindfulness. What we name “emotional” ache is definitely situated within the physique. When the thoughts detects that one thing is “improper,” it sends indicators into the physique, activating ache receptors. The extra you’ll be able to pay attention to the place these painful emotions are situated within the physique, the much less your thoughts can have a chance so as to add that second layer of struggling.
You’ll be able to acknowledge that part of you is struggling, and ship it loving messages. When you’re paying aware consideration to the a part of you that’s struggling (noticing the place within the physique your ache is situated) you’ll be able to say issues like “It’s OK. I do know it hurts, however I’m right here for you.” You will discover your individual type of phrases if you would like.
Lastly, it’s price reminding your self that each one residing beings are of the character to die. It’s a pure a part of life. We don’t do that to numb the ache or to make it go away, however to assist put issues in perspective. Right now, hundreds of persons are mourning the lack of pets, dad and mom, even kids. You’re not alone…
The enlightened really feel grief, however it passes for them extra shortly than it does for us, as a result of they acknowledge that all the things is impermanent, they usually don’t add that second layer of struggling.
So your grief is pure, however I hope it quickly turns into simpler and simpler to bear.
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